geez guys it was only a little rant...okay maybe it was a big one but now it's out of my system i promise!

well, i guess i should refrain from ranting from now on. you guys (speaking to the only two who ever read and post that is) seem all scared away by my insanity. understandable of course. but this time i'll write on a safer topic. so i've felt the...well, i guess the best way to describe it is as an "itch" to write, lately. i haven't known exactly what to write about most of the time, but my hands just get all antsy around papers and pens like they want to be working and why isn't my brain helping? crazy i know, but that's how it works for me. so anyways, i've developed this new story idea that's kinda kooky and sounds fun...even though i only know the basics right now. but we'll see what else comes later. the basics are: it's called Old Flames and this girl is suddenly beset by all her old crushes and boyfriends and the like (just like she always imagined mid-crush it someday being like) but they're all hitting her at one (not literally of course, because she would never stand for that). they all just kinda show up in her life and want to be part of it and she's confused and doesn't know exactly what to do about this and who knows what all's going to happen. it's typical chick lit (a new genre in the vein of Bridget Jones's Diary that even al haley assured me was pretty literary since it's more character focused than plot focused, so i don't feel bad about writing it. thanks al haley for your endorsement!) and it's going to be light and fluffy and fun and not overly serious because i feel "in a friendly-type mood" at the moment (betcha can't name what movie that quote's from. it's very tricky. but check back for updates on how it's going. i don't even have character names yet (that'll be for later tonight probably since i just came up with the story line today). well, sorry to cut this short, but i may get to making up those names now and i'll let you know later how it works out. so i'm signing off, "in mysterious fathoms below"

"everybody wants to rule the world"

i know i do. not really of course. i'd much rather just compensate by playing sims and only ruling a kinda small world. less stress (though sometimes those damn sims can be all kinds of stressful because they don't listen when you tell them to do things, or they get all angry and yell because they're tired and expend more energy yelling when you're just trying to make them go to sleep. moving on). so today, my life was definitely stressful. my big paper was due (i didn't get it done on time. i got it done at about six; it was due at 4:30. but it's only 5 points off for being late so i'll turn it in tonight (one copy has to be sent electronically while the other is turned in to his office. ick. i hope he's not there tomorrow morning when i go by. i don't want to see him. he's evil.) Anyways the paper is done, thank God, and I think it turned out all right. Hopefully, he'll give me a high A initially and it'll just get bumped down to like a 90. It is kinda a big part of our grade. if i ever become a teacher, i'm never going to give out papers like this. at least, not ones that are this anal. if it's that long, it'll be where they can like, experiment with writing styles or include pictures or something that's not just, "go find a bazillion sources and then use them to make a paper that won't piss me off, you pathetic cretin." i'll be a nice teacher. i promise. that is, if i'm a teacher. but i probably will be. gotta pay the bills somehow and i don't want to be working retail all my life (the scariest moment of my life so far was when my manager was interviewing me for my current job and she asked my major. when i told her what it was, she said, "oh, that was my major, too. and somehow i ended up managing a retail store." it was scary. i mean, she likes it okay and good for her, but i wouldn't want to do it. it's stressful and customers are annoying and snotty most of the time (of course, she can be snotty back because they can't do a lot to her) and i don't want to do this for the rest of my life. it's just a college job to help pay the bills. i'm meant for bigger and better things. aren't i?) of course i am. i'll be famous someday. it says so in my high school year book. and i'm going to make sure it happens so i can go to my 10 year reunion and rub it in claire's "most likely to succeed" face. most likely to succeed at what? dropping out of college to marry some redneck druggie who mooches off his parents? good for you! so this one looks like it's going to be a regular old non-sensical rant. but that's how i usually am. things aren't always extremely coherent and i jump from topic to topic, but it keeps things lively, don't ya think? so essentially all the stuff on my last post that got cut off was me talking about how i love to dance and really wish i could go out sometime with friends and go to a club and just let loose. and i divulged that some of my "secret single behavior" (pru knows what i mean here) is that i like to play music, doesn't really matter what kind (though lorenna mckennit can make things mighty interesting when you get a belly dancing jones) and just dance in the middle of my room (or living room if my roomy's not there and i have the music up loud, but usually it's my room) with wild abandon and not really concentrate on how good it is or how it looks. it's freeing and really fun and it makes me miss all the high school dances i used to go to where it was mostly me and my friends and we'd just let loose and damn anyone else watching and making fun of us. they were stupid, little people who'd be gone 10 minutes after prom started in favor of drinking and screwing themselves into oblivion, pretending their lives were fun when they never were b/c they were always worrying about how popular they were and whether sleeping with that guy or girl would up the scales a bit (wow what a rant!) while we just danced and laughed and acted crazy and didn't care what anyone thought. (before you start thinking i'm some puritanical ultra-conservative, know this: i don't mind drinking now and then, in fact i like it a lot of the time, but do it responsibly and do it to enjoy it, not just to dull out the world. and really, most high school people aren't mature enough to know how to handle alcohol, hence all the massive hangovers and "what the hell happened last night" scenarios i saw at school the next day. i didn't drink in high school; i thought it was bad (i am CofC after all), but now i see that it's only bad if you abuse it, but then so is anything you abuse (it could be said Dr. Peppers are bad for me due to how many i drink, but at least they don't make me black out and wake up puking. and i'm trying to cut back anyways). and i miss dancing out at the park at lacy's house, where it was just us girls trying to keep warm and have fun at the same time, with only a bunch of CDs pumping out music from my car and doing my signature "over-the-head-with-my-hand" move that always got the girls laughing, especially come prom time. i'd even like to go to Oplin (admittedly my signature "OTHWMH" move won't be so cool there, but i know how to two-step and line dance a bit so it's all good) and i mean to before i leave this town. it was one of the things i always said i'd do once i got to abilene: go to the clubs and go dancing (as in my hometown, we definitely don't have clubs in which to dance. only proms and friend's houses). and now i'm a junior and i haven't. how pathetic is that? hopefully sometime soon i'll go out with finley and her crew, or maybe me, evelyn, and simone will finally all go clubbing together. i really want to. soon. anyways, i have to go and grab some dinner before helping evy with her works cited page. good thing i already have my trusty MLA handbook with me. yippee. so that means i'm signing off now. "get out of this place while we still have time" (Jimmy Eat World, "Work").

"this is the most unusual story of a not so usual girl"

i learned a lesson tonight: never hit enter after typing a sentence into the title because it will take that as a cue to publish before you've even written the post. fun mess up that was. anyways, i had a fun but tiring night tonight that isn't quite over yet, though i'd really like to just go to bed and forget about all the work i have to do. if only. and the weekend will only be worse. i've really gotta crack down and get to working on my big paper that's due, otherwise i'll be up all night sunday, rushing to get it done and maybe even skipping class to make sure it is. and i've skipped enough class for one lifetime this semester. i hate big papers. i mean really, what's the point? this whole "preparing us for the real world" crap just doesn't cut it anymore. i don't know many adults (who aren't in school working on a doctorate, which i plan to NEVER do) complain about having to write a 10-12 page paper with 8-12 sources as a part of their job. yes, they have to write memos and reports and stuff like that, but no crazy long papers full of lots of bs and info from other people because our own opinions aren't good enough to stand on their own, even though the "sources" we're quoting are most likely opinions that other people have just backed with other sources, which are also opinions backed up by sources, ad naseum. it's crap. where am i going to use this in the real world? i mean, sure, i want to be a writer, but that deals with original ideas, not writing a research paper over some author. unless i'm going to be doing critiques (also not something i'd really enjoy doing) this doesn't really help me. and yes, i am planning to go to grad school where i will have to do more of these, but still, don't see the purpose. whatever i do for a job, i don't think writing 12 page research papers will be a part of it. okay, i'll step down from my soapbox now and back away from the tangent. see, now i'm a safe distance away. i'll be all right. i just wish i could take a big break from life and relax for a while. that kinda sounds like a being in a coma...which actually sounds kinda nice right now. no more homework, no more work, no more stress, just lots of sleep. sounds great. i know, i know, that sounds terrible. you know what's even worse? i already finished this post and then something went all wacky and erased half of it. great huh? computers hate me right now and i'm not too fond of them either. so i had this nice little riff about this dancing and this jason mraz song i really like at the moment, but i'm too tired to try to duplicate that right now so i'll just post the lyrics and go to bed instead. it's called "So Unusual/Not so Usual" (dual title due to some confusion over the actual name of the song): "this is the most unusual story of a most unusual girl she's the paint in my picture of a most unusual world she can crawl out of frame while she's hanging on the wall and she's calling my name she's not so usual she's most unusual she's not so usual she's so unusual she's mostly a ghost the way she watches over me she complains when I smoke but then you do the same to me she's controlling my brain activity knowing when I go to sleep she'll catch me when I've fallen hard she's so unusual she's not so usual she's not so usual she's so unusual she's not so hooked on the drugs like I thought she was and never sucking on the lime and hardly sipping on the wine and despite of her bipolar rollercoastering I think I can trust she'll keep me singing differently and it's fine 'cuz she's with me now most all of the time trying and saving my life thinking not of her own and always kissing me goodnight when i just need to be alone she's so sweet, so discreet she's exactly what i need not even make-believe she's not so usual so unusual she's not so usual so unusual not so usual not too practical either well since she's not so mystical but not too magical neither well since she's not so out of control and not so used to the flow well since she's not so usual nah, she's a natural she's not so usual she's most unusual yeah, she's so unusual she's so unusual she's gonna use me all she's not so you... she's not so you... not so you... not so" well, i'm bushed so i'm signing off, "waiting for my rocket to come" (JM "Curbside Prophet").

"go on and make a mountain out of it"

so, i discovered i incorrectly wrote out the line of the song i was using for the title. but now it's fixed. everybody makes mistakes...even someone as perfect as me. :) if you haven't noticed already, i like to use song quotes and references in almost everything i do, especially for titles (and it you can name the song and artist that go with the quotes, you'll get lots of extra points in my book. and you just thought i wasn't keeping score). i really enjoy listening to songs that have really ingenious lines and phrases that i hear and they just stick with me. like the title of this post. i heard the line in the song and had to go back a few extra times to make sure i'd heard it right. and then i wrote it as my title. and after i wrote it out, i looked at it and really thought about, and thought, "hey, that's what i like to do." if you didn't know already, i like to write. it's my favorite thing to do, even though i have trouble finishing what i start (you don't even want to know how many story lines i have in the "works" that are all unfinished. in fact, i don't even want to know). i get an idea, and write little snipets from it and map out the plot and the characters (i love coming up with names for my characters. i even have a favorite names list at babynames.com for just this purpose...and helping me have a variety to choose from when the time comes that i actually have children...a thing very very far in the future. but anyways, i love names and i love creating the whole characters' name, not just a first and last, but a middle and thinking about what the names mean and how they fit with the character, etc.) and then, once i've reached the conclusion of the story line in my head, i move on to another idea. or sometimes another idea just invades my head and pushes out all the previous ideas almost against my will. you wouldn't think i'd find being taken hostage by my ideas a fun thing, but i do. i just wish i could buckle down and get one done. i do have a couple of short stories done, mostly thanks to Al Haley's Fiction Workshop class (interesting class if you like creative writing) and treating it more like an assignment that i need to get done, though it was always by far the best assignment i did in any class. i even based two of those pieces on songs i heard (and you just thought i'd abandoned the song concept. don't worry, i always come back around to things...eventually). if the piece was based on a song, i'd usually sit and write while listening to that song on repeat (good thing they were both really good songs, otherwise i'd've gotten really sick of them during the writing process). and i always liked how those pieces just kinda came out of me in a rush. i didn't spend a lot of time planning them; i usually did them, if not the day before, then a few days before they were due. i seemed to work better that way. and i'd usually have three different ideas i thought about pursuing before i discovered this perfect idea hiding beneath them all, like a christmas present at your grandparent's house. in fact, the story that got me my highest rating, was one that came about i think the day before i had to turn it in. and it was a long one, like over 4000 words (i have a problem with writing too much at times, as you can probably see. i don't sum up things well, unless it's short answer stuff for a test and i just want to get it done) and in the end, i loved it. and so did haley (at least, he saw a lot of potential as long as i edited a lot, which i did. and then he thought it was just great. especially when he found out i edited it all, and added about 1000 more words to it in the span of 3 1/2 hours. then he asked me to do some more edits to bring it down to under 5000 words so i could turn it into a short story contest. which i did. i'm still waiting to hear how that all went. then again, i just turned it in in march, so i doubt they're done judging yet. we'll see). so anyways, i really love writing, and i love music. it's not a surprise when one of my characters just happens to be musically inclined and ends up singing for some unrealistic reason. music has just always been such a big part of my life that it comes out in my writing. i love to sing. if you've ever ridden in a car with me, you know i'm not all that shy about singing along with the radio at the top of my lungs without any real regard for who else is in the car with me. you'd think i'd tone it down for people who aren't my really close friends, but if a song i love comes on, i'll be singing along, maybe not with as much verve as i usually give it, but i'll sing anyway. singing in the car is just such a natural thing for me that it feels weird to not sing, or to have a song playing that i don't know, especially on road trips when i'm driving. i need some cd that i know almost every song in the player so that i can sing along to keep myself alert and occupied. where am i going with this post? i don't really know. i just started typing and this was what came out. see i had another post all ready to go last thursday, but something was up with blogger so it got lost. maybe i'll find it again once their recover post thing is up again. or maybe i won't. i won't worry about it. it was kinda a depressing post. and now i don't feel really depressed. i feel happy and a little silly and that's good. i'll need it if i have to put up with my roommate and her boyfriend hanging out at our apartment. i just gotta keep telling myself, "you'll be gone in less than a month. just keep that in mind. in less than a month you'll have your own place all by yourself and won't have to put up with their useless, slovenly, and annoying ways." there's a mantra for ya. anyway, that's about all i've got to say (there's that damn rhyming thing again. geez. i haven't even watching The Princess Bride in forever. maybe that's my subconcious telling me that i should. who knows). And with these last immortal lines, I'm signing off: "'Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line.' Hahahahaha." [falls over dead]

keeping me up nights

so here i am, up late again doing homework. it would help if i didn't slack off all day, playing sims 2 and reading a new book until 1 and only then getting to what little homework i have for my tuesday class. though in all fairness we have a test tomorrow so it's not so little this time, but usually...and i think my point is made. it'll be another great french test for me, where i'll be lucky with just a C. sorry i don't know what's with the rhyming. no more of that i promise. unless i decide to throw in a Princess Bride quote or two. but i'll try and contain myself. there's not going to be much to this blog. but then i don't think there's anyone but me to read it, so that's just peaches and cream to me. right now i'm greatly enjoying watching reruns of Roar i taped off of SciFi. interesting show, especially to see heath ledger before he got all famous. and it's right up my alley: ancient setting, celtic mythology, swords. lots of barrels o' laughs. i don't really know why i'm mentioning it, other than the fact that i can't really think of anything else to talk about. other than being tired and wishing i didn't have to go to class tomorrow. or hoping that my french test is actually on thursday instead of tomorrow. but whatever. i'm just getting something down so that i show myself i'm trying to make a valiant effort to not abandon this blog before i've even started. we'll just have to see how it goes. now i'm signing off. "live long and prosper" as good ol' spocky used to (and still does in reruns and movies) say

ignoring homework

yeah, i really should be reading a chapter for a quiz and writing up my plans for my upcoming paper, but instead i'm writing my first blog. constructive, i know. but right now i feel more like writing than reading (writing here, not writing my paragraph about my paper, because that's no fun). i'm not much of a blogger to be honest. i've tried to keep diaries and journals and the like, but i always forget about them or just don't feel like i have anything constructive to write and i don't and then months go by and i figure there's no point...and why am i rambling about this. boring. moving on. so earlier today while i was at work this song "Coast is Clear" came on. i love that song. i hadn't heard it in so long and it just struck such a deep cord in me. i feel like my coast has been clear for a really long time, just waiting and longing for that other person who will fill this empty, gaping hole in my life. even though, in all truthfulness, i don't want to get married right now. i'm still in school, and it just seems like it'd be too difficult to get married and be in school at the same time. and i know my mom wouldn't like it...adamantly. if she doesn't like that my best friend got engaged (admittedly, she's like family to all of us, but still, not really her daughter) a few weeks ago and might get married in between junior college and nursing school, imagine if her little baby got married before she was out of school. not a good situation for anyone involved. but would it be so bad to feel that something. or even a little bit of that something would be nice. sometimes i think i find it, but nothing happens. maybe it's because i don't do enough to make it happen. maybe it's just because it's not the right time. but i'm with jamie cullum on this one, except i'd change the "hers" to "hims" of course: "Walking down to the water’s edge Where I have been before If I don’t find my love sometime I’m walking out that door Some may come and some may go But no-one seems to be The person I’ve been searching for The one whose meant for me Biding my time, trying to find a heart that’s lonely Looking for her, my love my one and only Maybe I’ll dream, tonight about the girl who’ll be coming my way So I’ll take this chance and celebrate the day When I’m making my way through an open door I’ve got some love and so much more And I'm ready to make someone mine Making my way through an open door I’ve got some love and so much more And I’ll find her, ‘cos it’s about time You try too hard and it feels just like You’re running on thin air Why does luck happen by suprise If you don’t really care The past is gone the flames are out From fires that have burned New ideals and different thoughts From lessons I have learned Biding my time, trying to find a heart that’s lonely Looking for her, my love my one and only Maybe I’ll dream, tonight about the girl who’ll be coming my way So I’ll take this chance and celebrate the day When I’m making my way through an open door I’ve got some love and so much more And I'm ready to make someone mine Making my way through an open door I’ve got some love and so much more And I’ll find her, ‘cos it’s about time Got the feeling this could take a pretty long while To find that smile Put my faith in another piece of good advice Well I tried that twice Waiting for, a little something more To inspire, take me higher And I'm ready to make someone mine Making my way through an open door I’ve got some love and so much more And I’ll find her, ‘cos it’s about time It’s about time" and with that final song thought, i'm done. i'm tired and ready for bed and i still have to finish my paper proposal thing. i hate my life right now. well, not hate. just dislike. but for now (actually another song good ol' jamie does, funny that) i'm signing off. "goodnight moon, goodnight stars"